Death, Despair and Rainbow Crackers

This is my blog.  Sometimes I am here and sometimes I am not.

Not being here has become a bit of a thing lately,  glaringly obvious from the title of my last post  - Happy Easter. It's almost Happy Christmas, for goodness' sake !

Lost dreams.

Lost loves.

There has been a lot of dying going on which has filled me with sadness and made me lie low.

Dad died first, slowly, stoically, horribly, accompanied by an agonising illness.  After years of pain and struggle we grew to expect and even welcome death, but when it finally came it was gut-wrenchingly awful and a shock.

Then all of a sudden it was Ed's turn.  Ed died suddenly and in tragic circumstances.  I thought he'd be here forever.  I loved Ed.  He was my rock and a bastion of strength and support.  Then one day he just disappeared from this earth,  shockingly, quickly and without warning.  Just like that. Tuesday all smiles and chats on the 'phone,  Wednesday gone.  Bang.

Both deaths beyond awful.

I am all at sea.

Grief changes you.  I feel more inclined to hide,  I have a new and more cynical view of life and a greater impatience with people who are unfamiliar with loss.

In a bubble,  here on this earth but not really connecting, functioning but not really feeling.  Heavy hearted but not entirely hopeless...  I have held my daughter's head above the waves,  although sometimes I think it is she who holds mine.

I shouldn't harp on about it so much, for heaven's sake !   People die, I will too. We all will. Get a grip, Leafy.

I have an uneasy relationship with character bolstering quotes (surely they are for the weak and needy) but privately I am an addict;  here are some words that are helping to shake me from my reverie,

I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.

Scribbled in marker pen inside the cabin of his ocean going rowing boat, thank you Alastair Humphreys (a newfound hero of mine -absolutely NOT weak and needy at all), but original thanks must go to William Ernest Henley and his poem, Invictus.

Onwards with high hopes for a new chapter,
And sending love, happy Christmas wishes and thanks too,
Thanks for all your looking, browsing, following, buying and general spurring on, I really do appreciate it.

Christmas cards of the image above (and others) are still available to buy (click here).  You could put some in the cupboard for next year perhaps...